A few months ago I was packing for my sister’s wedding.  It was during this frenzied mess of deciding what to take and what to leave behind that I figured out how much I truly suck at life.

I came upon this realization while I was packing my toiletry bag.  You know, that little bag for your deodorant and toothpaste and Q-tips and cologne and other assorted shit?  Yeah, that one.  Well, that’s where I keep my condoms.

I don’t really get laid that much so I don’t really carry them around with me on a daily basis and one time the opportunity did present itself.  Since I didn’t have any condoms I did not get laid (again).  It was at that point that I started putting my condoms in my toiletry bag and keeping that bag in the trunk of my car.  I did this for almost two years I think and in that two years, no further sexual opportunities of that nature presented themselves so I threw the toiletry bag back in my bathroom closet.

Anyway, as I was packing my toiletry bag I saw my condoms in there.  I thought that I could leave them in there but why?  My girlfriend (at the time) wasn’t coming with me and we weren’t having sex anyway so what would be the purpose of taking condoms?  I wasn’t planning on having sex with anybody else so why bring them?  I decided to take them out and put them in a drawer.  As I removed the condoms I noticed the expiration date.  Yes, you guessed it, my rubbers had expired.  Aren’t condoms good for like five years?  How pathetic do you have to be for your rubbers to go bad on you?  How empty does your life have to be when you can’t even get through a whole box of condoms (6 or 12 count, it really doesn’t matter) in five fucking years?

So there you have it.  As shitty as your life is right now, at least you get laid more often than I do.  How’s that for a silver lining?