My sincerest apologies for the title, I have been watching a lot of The Big Bang Theory lately and all their episodes are named similarly.  But it’s so cute.

That being said, I think it comes as no surprise to anybody that knows me that I am a jeans and T-shirt kind of guy.

In fact, unless I am going somewhere that requires a more formal attire or I am working outside in my Carhartts, I am always in my jeans.  I love ‘em.  Denim is the cat’s ass.  Levi’s are the shit.  For many years I wore only Silvertabs and nothing else.  As time wore on my old jeans began to wear out and, since I hate clothes shopping, I procrastinated getting any new pants.  I will not deny that the absurd cost of jeans was also a factor, especially for Silvertabs.

Finally came the day that I was forced to wander into my local JCPenny’s to find some jeans since I was down to two pair that I could still stand wearing.  I picked out three pair in three different styles, tried them on to make sure that they fit, bought them and went home.  Time in and out – less than fifteen minutes.  It was only after two or three washes that I realized my mistake.  You see, 32 length pants are too long for my legs, 30 length are absolutely perfect, until they shrink in the wash.  Then they become way too short.  So now, when I wear two of the three pair I am wearing high-waters.  I am forced to waer these jeans with my Chuck Taylor’s, as they can make any outfit look better and are high enough on the ankle to hide how short the pants are.  Unfortunately, my Chuck’s are about the most uncomfortable shoes I own, so to wear them for any period of time is a horrendous chore and exceptionally painful for my feet.  The last pair that I bought were 32 x 32 but “low & loose.” I like baggy pants (even though that trend was falling out of style at the time and appears to be completely gone at this point unless you’re into hip-hop).  Even after shrinking these jeans (not on purpose) I can still swim in them, in fact, you may even be able to fit two of me in them.  Even rolled up the cuffs drag on the ground when I walk around.  To summarize, I spent $150 on pants that were either too small or to big.  Kudos to me, I’m a genius.

So two years pass before that I really need to get some new jeans.  I was determined to get it right this time.  In and out at JCPenny’s – forty-five minutes.  I actually tried on at least six different pairs and made sure that I checked different lengths.  I didn’t get anything too baggy (as a more “fitted” look in more in style now) and made sure that all the jeans were just a little too long for me to compensate for shrinkage (“I was in the pool!”).  I bought three really good pairs of jeans and was very proud of myself.  Success, I’m a genius.

And then…

I decided to wear one of my new pairs of pants.  Probably the most “fitted” pair of the three that I purchased.  Remember that I said that they all fit really well?  Yeah, well I one thing that I didn’t do when trying on these three pairs was make sure that all my shit fit into the pockets.  I carry a lot of shit – gum, lighter, smokes, change, keys, chapstick, and a wallet that would make George Costanza uncomfortable.  I couldn’t get my wallet in my back pocket.  It wouldn’t budge.  Would not budge!  I was forced, to my dismay, to perform some wallet frontier surgery to make it fit, barely.  I won’t go into the sordid details, but it wasn’t pretty for my poor wallet, nor for my own packrat tendencies.  And let me tell you, getting my cigarettes or keys out is a timely process as well.  Sonabitch, I’m a retard.

To summarize, in the past four years I have learned rules for jeans shopping:

1.  Always buy just a little long to compensate for shrinkage, and

2. When trying on jeans, make sure all the stuff you carry around normally will fit in your new pants

I’m sure when I buy new jeans in another two years I will make some other massive mistake that will prove to be another lesson to add to the New Pantsies Conundrum.

 

As an interesting side note, someone told me the other day that it looked like I was losing weight.  I took this as quite the compliment, but later considered that maybe it was just the fact that I am wearing more fitting and less baggy pants.  Does it really matter?  Being thin or looking thin accomplish the same thing.  Don’t they?