For a long time I was really miserable.  Really, really miserable.  To paraphrase Shirley Manson, I was only happy when it rained.  It got to the point that I’m pretty sure that I forgot how to be happy.  I call it the “Poor Me” syndrome.  It is accompanied by a dispassionate aloofness when in groups of more than four and involves a lot of sighing.  And guess what – it sucks.  It fucking blows.  I’m sick of it.  I’m sick of feeling bad for myself.

So I’m making some changes.  I know that this is the time of year that people are supposed to do all their self-evaluating, it will be a new year, get a fresh start, blah, blah, blah.  That’s not what this is about.  This is about bettering myself and making a positive change (or changes) in my life.  I’m not really sure where I should start with all this so prepare yourself for this post to kind of jump around some.  Maybe the best thing for me to do is to state the changes and how they came about.  Maybe not, that sounds really boring to me.  Fuck it.

Here’s what happened  in a nutshell.  I met somebody.  Yeah, sounds stupid I know, and you need to make changes for yourself not someone else.  But that’s not really what I meant.  My meeting someone simply brought all my issues to the forefront of my conscious to slap me in the face and cause me to reevaluate what the hell I am doing with my life.  All these things were already there, I was just ignoring them as much as possible until now.  I may never see this person ever again or, if I do, nothing may come of our meeting relationship-wise but at least I am starting to get off my ass and do something different.  It doesn’t matter what happens between her and me.  That’s pretty much inconsequential at this point.  Ty says that I’m in a rut at this moment/time/place and he’s right.  So let’s start digging.

First of all, I need to quit smoking.  I started smoking almost sixteen years ago.  Sixteen years!  For someone that fears death as much as I do I sure am trying to get there a hell of a lot sooner than all my friends.  Don’t get me wrong, I love to smoke.  I love it.  I love to smoke and have a cup of coffee.  That’s the greatest thing in the world.  Even though I don’t really care about the health benefits I still need to quit.  It’s way too expensive and for somebody with the budgetary powers of a gnat, I simply can’t afford it anymore.  “Roll your own,” you might say to which I retort – fuck off.  I refuse to roll my own cigarettes.  If I had been willing to roll my own I would started doing it years ago when smokes became three dollars a pack.  i didn’t do it then and I won’t do it now.  Let’s be perfectly honest, smoking is a truly filthy habit.  have you ever walked out of a bar and had to wash your clothes because they smelled so bad (puking stories excluded of course). [There will be a section on bars later as well - pay attention, there is a quiz]  I’m tired of smelling like shit all the time.  And I want to do less laundry.

Secondly, I need to stop drinking as much soda.  Or pop depending on what part of the country you’re from.  At our annualy Un-Thanksgiving party this year  abuddy of mine had said that he lost almost ten pounds from not drinking pop.  I was amazed by this feat.  I drink a lot of pop.  At least a 24 ounce each day of Mt Dew.  That’s an extra 340 calories each day.  Now listen, I’m not fat, far from it.  I may even be a little under weight if anything but I do have a little bit of a beer gut.  I don’t like it.  I went to college with a guy built like me but shorter.  He had just as spindly legs and arms like I do, but a pooch.  It was gross.  I swore that I would never end up like that.  Oops, it almost happened.  I’m not sure how I caught it in time but I did, maybe the weather changed or something (amazingly I tend to lose weight in the winter probably because my job exposes me to the elements and it takes more calories to keep my body functioning at -3 than it does at 72).  Taking pop out of the equation just builds a little bit more cushion into the system.  Could I stand to lose ten pounds?  I don’t think so.  I would look emaciated but I still think I could trim up a little bit.

Third, I’m a pack rat.  I get it from my parents.  We never throw anything away.  I think it stems from them both working in the tax field where you have to keep records for like ten years.  So we have shit everywhere.  I’m a collector of various things – toys, comic books, statues, games, etc.  So this stuff just collects and collects and collects some more.  I’ve got comic books from two years ago that have not been bagged, boarded, or put away.  Some parts of my living area have (I shit you not) an inch of dust on it.  I used to think that I didn’t have people over because everytime that happened something of mine would get messed up and I like my stuff too mych for that to happen.  I have realized that I am really ashamed of the squalor that I live in so I don’t want anybody to see it.  Does that solve the problem?  Absolutely not, it makes it invisible to the outside world though which makes it easier for me to ignore and just sit down on the couch and watch TV.  How could I ever bring a girl back to my place and show her this?  Believe me, I’ve done it, and the fact that the girls didn’t run out screaming is a testament to how drunk and/or horny they were at the time.  I have purchased the appropriate supplies (boxes, bags, boards) to put the comics away and bought plastci bins to rotate some of the toys out from display and into storage to make room and unclutter the room.  now I just need someone to put a gun to my head, Pledge in my hand, and tell me to sort and clean or they will kill me.

Fourth (it is really possible to change all these things at one time – I hope that I’m not setting myself up for failure because this is one long ass post), cut back on the drinking.  Man, I love beer.  LOVE. BEER.  I would not say that I am an alcoholic although I have gone through some solids periods of constant drinking.  Really, I don’t drink often.  The problem becomes the amount that I drink when I do decide to imbibe.  I am a binge drinker, of that there is no doubt.  I can one or two beers and be fine but, usually, if I have any more than that, it is on.  I won’t stop until I am completely shitfaced.  And don’t even get me started on shots.  You know it’s bad when you’re bartender lines you up a beer and shot before you sit down.  Same bar, same people (generally good people mind you) but it’s always the same.  It needs to change.  I need to find a) something else to do on my weekend nigths and/or b) someplace else to do it at.  I would like to say “Thanks” to Ty for inviting me out to his house last night to watch movies (and yes, drink a couplebeers) as opposed to letting me go down to the watering hole and getting lambasted.  I would also like to point out that the whole time I was at the bar on Saturday night I had only one shot, it was at the end of the night, was purchased for me not by me, and was actually pretty weak.  Ah, change is good.  And I can always get drunk at home and not have to worry about getting a ride or driving home.  My last girlfriend kept telling me that I drank all the time simply because everytime she saw me I was drinking.  It’s kind of a misnomer to say that when you consider I only saw here on the weekends anyway.  I don’t drink during the week because I work midnights and there is something strange (to me at least) about getting pounded at five or six in the morning.  All my drinking is done on the weekends.  I always blew off her comments, but in retrospect, she had it partly right.  What I need to do is refocus my energy onto something else and away from the conception that I need to drink every Saturday and Sunday (since I work Friday nights).  Years ago, when I felt that I could go out and have a few beers every night, I came up with a system for breaking the cycle.  Every January, after New Years Day, I would quit drinking for thirty days.  Then I got on a schedule that precluded me from drinking on a regular day-to-day basis so I stopped doing it.  I could not figure out what the point was because I felt that I had nothing more to prove.  Maybe this New Year I will begin the practice again.  No more bar shots, and stay out of the Bar (we all know which one it is).

Fifth, and this may be the hardest one of all to change, I need a new job.  I truly believe that most, if not all, of the previously mentioned changes in behavior were initially or enabled by my current profession.  It’s terrible.  The actual job sucks, the hours suck, the fact that there is little to no weather protection sucks.  The only thing that makes the job even remotely worthwhile is the people that I work with.  The office guys are great, my boss is great, even my supervisor is “mostly great”.  About half of the night drivers are actually decent too.  The real problem comes from the upper management.  Really, if you know me at all, you know how I feel about my job.  I will say no more on that subject.

Sixth, I must continue and improve physically through exercise.  I have never been particularly fit but I have also never been particularly “big” either.  At my worst someone described myself as doughy.  I find working out to be a terrible but somewhat necessary chore.  Do I do it consistently?  Absolutely not.  I’m trying though.  I have too.  If you don’t go to the beach because you don’t want people to see you without your shirt then you have a problem, whether it’s because you have too much fat or because you have too little muscle.  The amount of time I spend sitting around doing nothing could be much better served by some form of exercise.  It’s a slow process, all these changes, but effort is what makes things rewarding.

Where did this come from?  As I said, I met somebody and by meeting this person I had to take a long hard look in the mirror.  I asked myself, “Would I ever consider dating me knowing all these things about myself?”  The answer was a definite no, I would not.  I can barely put up with myself so how could I possibly expect any other person to?  Perhaps, when this is all over, and assuming that I accomplish three or more of said changes, I will have the confidence to do something about aforementioned person.  If I ever see her again.  Also assuming she’s single.